First Experiences...

I experienced my first full blown panic attack in 1986 when I was 24 years old. I had been married for a little over two years and was working full time, supporting my husband who had recently decided to go back to college. My husband and I had just gotten into a fight the night before, when I came home with $40 of groceries after a long day of work. In his mind, $40 was an excessive amount to spend for a week of food, and he made sure I was aware of it!

I was tired the next day and had a bit of a cold, so I decided not to bother making a lunch and to grab something at Taco Bell instead. I ate a bean burrito, drank a Coke, and popped a Tylenol to help with the cold symptoms. I started back to work, when all of a sudden I began experiencing chest pains and shortness of breath. I thought I was having a heart attack.

Somehow I white-knuckled it back to work, and asked the receptionist for help. The office where I worked had an emergency team of three people who were "trained" to respond to health emergencies. Rather than call 911, they threw me into a car and rushed me to the hospital. On the way, somebody asked me if I had taken any medications. I told them about the Tylenol and they looked at each other and then started wondering aloud whether I had been poisoned. (This was just after the cyanide Tylenol tampering happened in 1986.) I became even more panicked, and by the time I reached the emergency room my blood pressure was 200/90. I can't remember much after that, until the doctor came in with my test results several hours later and told me it was "just anxiety".

I stayed home from work for a couple of days, nursing my cold and trying to relax a little, but then I ran out of sick time and had to go back to work. I was ok for a week or so, a little shaky, but I was making it through the day. Then one day I had to work a couple hours overtime. Driving home that evening, in the middle of my 45 minute commute, I started feeling a little strange. I tried to ignore the feeling, continuing to inch along on the freeway, stopping and starting in the rush hour traffic on 101.

Suddenly, out of the blue, I had another attack. This one was even worse than the first, if that is possible. My chest felt as if it would explode and I didn't think I was getting any air. My hands were sweaty, my legs felt like jello. I wanted to jump out of the car and run screaming but I knew I couldn't just leave my car in the middle of the freeway. I began making my way over to the right and was finally able to exit the freeway. Somehow I made it to a pay phone and got hold of my husband, who came and picked me up and took me to the hospital emergency room. I was given the same diagnosis: "just anxiety", and again sent home.

I tried going back to work the next day but couldn't make it. When I got to the freeway I started having another attack and had to turn back home. I tried several more times, but was unable to make it. Finally I didn't have to try anymore because I was fired from my job.

I went to the doctor several times and the emergency room a few more times as well. I became so agoraphobic that for a period of several weeks I was unable to walk out my front door to get the mail. Eventually I was referred to a Psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with Panic Disorder With Agoraphobia. I was hospitalized for a couple of days here and there but that was useless. The only relief I ever obtained was when I was prescribed large doses of Xanax (2 mg. 3 times a day). On those high levels of Xanax, my body was physically incapable of having a full blown panic attack, but I was basically a zombie.

I continued on with the Xanax for almost three years. Eventually my doctor took me off Xanax cold turkey (long story, I will share sometime...) and the panic attacks came back. I also suffered from severe withdrawal symptoms and had the added pain of a doctor who did not believe that Xanax was even addicting, and so dismissed my symptoms as "all in my head".

I stopped seeing my psychiatrist and just saw my regular internist when I was having particularly severe symptoms. Other than that, I just toughed it out. Then one day my doctor recommended a book to me. It was called Feeling Good, by Dr. David Burns, and it was my first introduction to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which in my opinion is the only treatment that can give you the skills you need to overcome panic attacks and agoraphobia once and for all.